Last night I was watching the Penguins vs. Capitals game 7 – Yes, the fucking Capitals and Ovechkin shit the bed once again, but we won’t discuss that. That story has been written before.
What I will discuss is my ability to save goals. As I stated yesterday in my Walleyes Parade article, I won’t pretend to know all the specific rules to hockey, and I also won’t waste my time researching them, so what I’m about to propose might actually be illegal. But here is…
How to stop goals: If I ever own or coach an NHL team I will 1) either higher the fattest sumo wrestler I can for goal, or 2) hire 2-3 soulless, crazy assholes with nothing left to live for to stand on either side of my goalie like a Trump built wall. Maybe even give them a few shots of whiskey before taking the ice. And a third option would be stacking players on top of one another but that provides little to no skaters – which is problematic for many reasons.
Though the third doesn’t seem practical – the first two seem like a very practical way to protect the net. The goals are only so big (Too small in my opinion. They should be bigger) and all you have to do is cover all the gaps.
And last night Big Dick Rick Muntz also tossed out a genius idea to defend free kicks in soccer. His strategy would be to have all non-goalie players stand shoulder to shoulder across the goal line while the goalie stands out front. What does this achieve? The goalie isn’t shielded by bodies and his view isn’t blinded which allows him to react. Plus, low to mid height kicks are blocked by players, and the only way to score is with a perfectly placed high corner shot. My take: Rick….is a genius.
He said he pitched this idea to his high school and college coaches but all of them were reluctant to use it. What he should have mentioned is his “third leg” which is able to offer assistance when it comes to saving goals. You can basically call Rick’s huge hanger Goldberg from “Mighty Ducks” or Larry Musgrove from “The Big Green.” It’s like a +1 player on the field at all times.